I'm thinking too much and it hurts. It hurts because I look toward the future, and I look behind me, and the holes and the gaps and the people make me mourn now for the things that are going to happen soon, and for all those days that made up my life and that are, at this point, gone. I'm afraid of the future, I'm sad about everything I've already seen go by. I just don't want to miss...what's here now. I don't want to miss what was here. But I do. I just wish I didn't look back with remorse. I just wish I wouldn’t study my future so hard, with such rue before it begins. “Live in the moment.”-that orator was wise. And while I understand that quote, and wish I could fulfill it, wish I could enjoy everything, quit thinking, quit caring, just live, I hinder myself repeatedly with thoughts predicting the sadness of the next years – because he’s going to leave, I’m going to leave, life’s going to change. I don’t want this summer to come; I don’t want to be a junior. I just…want to ‘live in the moment.’

Pattern to my dreams.

It's clear, clear, clear -- the beautiful water, making you feel graceful. Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, with perfect redundancy, a few laps that finally give time to think. A few laps of relaxation, a chance to be alone. Clear, clear water. Water of worries, water of thoughts, water of every emotion I could feel. Soaking my swimsuit; laying on my skin. I'm immersed in this water. My emotions are immersed in this water -- let out. Just a few laps of careless redundancy.  

So…when do we stop worrying? When is life simple, when is everything explained? When does the pain go away? Why can the emotion go away and somehow leave the frustration, the agony? As I realize how quickly this year will end, something inside of me begs for it to be drawn out just a little longer. For Christmas not to come too soon...because then half of the year will be gone. For springtime to be far away….I hate this cold weather, these frozen mornings, but still…don’t bring the agony of those beautiful days too soon. All it takes is for these months to pass…and my whole life will change. The solid things in my life this year….The knowledge that I’m not too close to the end of high school just yet…The friends that are there EVERY night. The people I love…I just wish we could drag this year out a little longer than any other…let it last just a few months more than all the rest. Because I’m not ready for this. For any of this. I’m not ready for you leaving. For me leaving. For high school to be over. For going away. For deciding what I’m going to be. For trying to make such a concrete decision that can ruin my life. For trying….to decide. For trying to decide myself. For trying to make it all make sense. For trying to become something so far from what I want to be. For trying to find out what college would actually suit me best. I’d rather put off the days where I actually have to figure out if I’m really ready for this job…if I really want this job. If I can take being alone. The days are just coming too soon.

I want to drift away

Forget it all

Leave it all
Ignore it all

I want life to be as I want it to be

Be able to quit ignoring what everyone else knows is true

But I just can’t believe it

I can’t tell them they’re right

I have to be indignant

Because I can’t take it otherwise

I can’t believe

I know it’s true

But I’ll choose to ignore.

They have no idea how much I understand what I say is wrong

I’m wrong

It’s right

But I just can’t believe it

Because inside me…something just says no.

I just can’t believe what may be the truth.